


oh, tell me something i don't already know

by aarobron



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-11 01:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12924186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aarobron/pseuds/aarobron
Summary: six conversations aaron and robert have about their respective pasts.or,They’re laying in bed, the room dark and covers pulled up to their chins to fight off the chill. It’s been a long few months – Aaron’s only brave enough to whisper secrets under the cover of their room, but this time, he wants Robert to share.“You never tell me what happened when you left Emmerdale,” He murmurs, watching Robert’s eyelids flutter shut. They’re close enough that they’re sharing breath, but it’s fine, because they can do that now.“I don’t like talking about it,” Robert admits, but his eyes are open and so is the rest of his face now. He finds Aaron’s hand under the duvet and tangles their fingers together. “But I’m ready to tell you now.”





	oh, tell me something i don't already know

**Author's Note:**

> slightly angsty, slightly fluffy.
> 
> title from [ever since new york by harry styles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bRDGQAUag8)
> 
> happy reading x

**11th november 2016**

“It was me, you know,” Aaron says casually. His back is turned to Robert as he makes a cup of tea, but his grip on the kettle is too tight and the spoon is clinking against the mug so hard that Robert’s afraid it might chip.

“What was?” He asks softly. He knows this Aaron – the one who’s willing to share, who’s vulnerable and open and easily scared. He stays where he is, and doesn’t push.

Aaron doesn’t turn around but his fist loosens and he puts the kettle down. “Jackson,” He says, voice choked. The line of his spine has started trembling from the force of his tears, and it takes everything Robert has to stop himself from reaching out. “I told him that he wasn’t going to walk again, five years ago today.” 

“Oh,” Robert breathes. He doesn’t know what to say – he knows he’s fucked up when it’s come to this topic, knows he’s thrown it back in Aaron’s face before, but he wouldn’t. Not now. 

“I feel like it was my fault,” Aaron offers, finally turning around. He crosses his arms across his stomach and cradles his elbows, like he’s in pain, like standing is a struggle. “Because I was the one who told him.

Robert takes this as an invitation and he pushes himself off of the sofa, takes a step towards his fiancé. “No,” He says softly, letting his fingertips rub gently up Aaron’s arm. “You were brave, and you were so strong. None of it was your fault. It was an accident.”

 _It shouldn’t have been put on your shoulders_ , Robert wants to say. _But I’m here now and I love you._

But now’s not the right time. He stays quiet. 

It seems to be the right thing to say – maybe because it’s something that Aaron’s never been told before, maybe because it’s something Aaron’s never _told_ anyone before – because he steps forward and throws his arms around Robert, burying his face in the older man’s shoulder as his body trembles with sobs.

  


**30th december, 2016**

“I don’t think I ever wanted to get married before you, you know,” Robert says. He turns onto his back and stares at the ceiling, sheets pulled up to his chin like he’s trying to protect himself.

“But you were engaged to Katie and you married Chrissie?” Aaron asks on a frown. He racks his brain, tries to think of anything Robert’s said before, but he draws a blank.

The older man turns his head slightly, blinking at Aaron. His blond hair and golden skin are stark against the dark sheets, and he’s highlighted silver by the moonlight. Aaron’s heart thuds when he replays the words Robert has just said. “Katie was about getting back at Andy. I loved her because she was his, and then she wasn’t so it wasn’t satisfying anymore,” He says, glancing back up to the ceiling. “And with Chrissie – it was the next step. All our friends were getting married; she’d been making noises about rings. Plus, it meant getting a share in the business.”

There’s shame written all over his face, and Aaron appreciates it because he knows it wouldn’t have been there twelve months ago, eighteen. He shuffles further down the bed until their faces are inches apart and throws an arm over Robert’s stomach. “But?” 

“But with you, I did it because I wanted to,” Robert continues, turning onto his side now. He catches Aaron’s fingers with his own and squeezes, bringing his hand up to his lips and kissing the ring that sits on his finger. “I did it because I don’t want to live my life without you in it. I want big commitment. I want a silly piece of paper tying our lives together. I want it all.” 

A lump forms in Aaron’s throat and he sweeps forward, pressing a chaste his to the older man’s lips. “I want it all too,” He whispers, not moving back. “I want _you_. I love you.” 

That draws a smile out of Robert, soft and small but undeniably real, like maybe the shock of Aaron saying the words first hasn’t quite worn off yet. “I love you too.”

  


**5th april 2015**

“When I was-“ Aaron starts. His voice is thick with emotion and Robert can see him try to swallow around it. He looks good like this, curled up under Home Farm’s expensive sheets, in the dip of the mattress that Robert usually finds himself in. “When my mum found out I was gay, I tried to kill myself.”

Robert – he doesn’t know what to say. This, this is stuff they don’t normally talk about, but this week _hasn’t_ been normal at all. It had been better than that, it feels exactly how Robert wants to spend the rest of his life.

He pushes the thought away.

“What happened?” He asks softly, fingertips tracing patterns up Aaron’s arm. He hopes it’s comforting, hopes that Aaron appreciates it. He’s at a loss. 

“After I punched Jackson,” Aaron whispers. He turns his face to the side, as if he’s trying to burrow into the pillow and hide. “And Paddy told my mum, and Marlon, I felt like I couldn’t escape it anymore. Everyone knew the worst part of me. I didn’t want to be that person.”

The older man breathes out deeply, thinks of the trust it must have taken Aaron to tell him. “You’re strong, though.”

“I wasn’t back then,” Aaron says, then decides that hiding doesn’t work. He rolls over into Robert’s space, burrows into his arms like it’s something he does every day. “I hated myself, but I’m better now. I’m glad I accepted myself- it’s like, you spend every single day wishing you’re something you’re not, but when you finally come to terms with it, you feel lighter.”

It feels like he’s trying to hint at something, and if there’s one thing Robert knows, its deflection. “Why did you decide to tell me?” He asks instead, ignoring the way his heart is beating against his ribcage.

“Because it happened on your birthday,” Aaron says after a pause. The words sound like a struggle, like they’re awkward to force up his throat. “But if I’d managed to do it, I wouldn’t have met you, would I?” 

“And we wouldn’t have had this,” Robert adds, leaning down to press a kiss to Aaron’s head. 

And that’s the conversation filed away until another day, a _better_ one.

  


**3rd june 2016**

They’re laying in bed, the room dark and covers pulled up to their chins to fight off the chill. It’s been a long few months – Aaron’s only brave enough to whisper secrets under the cover of their room, but this time, he wants Robert to share.

“You never tell me what happened when you left Emmerdale,” He murmurs, watching Robert’s eyelids flutter shut. They’re close enough that they’re sharing breath, but it’s fine, because they can do that now.

“I don’t like talking about it,” Robert admits, but his eyes are open and so is the rest of his face now. He finds Aaron’s hand under the duvet and tangles their fingers together. “But I’m ready to tell you now.” 

Aaron watches Robert curiously, watches his mouth tighten into a hard line and his eyelashes flutter against his skin. He waits, because he doesn’t push – he never would. That would only close Robert back up again.

“I was nineteen,” Robert breathes. Aaron already knows that, but he doesn’t say anything. “I didn’t know what to do. I used up all of my mates’ sofas in the first week, so I slept in my car.” 

“How long?” Aaron asks, letting his thumb brush over the fair hairs on Robert’s arms. The older man shivers from the sensation, tucks himself closer. 

There’s a beat, two, before Robert replies. “About a month and a half,” He says quietly, and his eyes have glazed over like he’s back there. Aaron presses his thumb against the pulse in his wrist, and Robert smiles numbly at him. “And then I found Tommy up in Scotland.” 

“You went to stay with him?” Aaron says. It seems darker somehow, like the truth of Robert’s stories has dimmed the room, and he can just about make out the older man’s features. 

“He got me back on my feet,” Robert confirms, a small smile gracing his face. “He helped me get a job, I saved up some money and moved back to Manchester… And you know what happened from there.” 

Aaron does know – Chrissie, Emmerdale, affair. He’s not angry about it (not anymore), because that’s what brought Robert to him. He can’t change that. So he shifts closer and plants a soft kiss on Robert’s lips, watches his honest mouth close until the next time.

  


**25th february 2016**

They’re sitting in a country pub; identical to the Woolpack but far away enough that Aaron can breathe properly. He’s grey skin and downcast eyes, spilling secrets like bile.

“I wanted to tell Ed, you know,” He says conversationally, fingers tightened around his pint. The skin over his knuckles is stretched white, nails pressed into the glass so hard it must hurt. “About Gordon.”

The name still makes Robert’s stomach roll with nausea, but he suppresses it. Not everything is about him – that’s something he’s learnt recently. “Why didn’t you?” He asks through a thick throat.

“He broke up with me,” Aaron says, smiling numbly at Robert. He looks exhausted, had begged _please get me out of here this is too much_ , and had cried a few tears on the way. Robert didn’t call him out on it. 

Robert’s own fist tightens, nails digging into his palm. He can’t hold it against Ed – it’s not like he _knew_ – but there’s some anger in knowing that this could’ve been handled years ago. “I’m sorry,” He says instead, calm and placating. 

“I don’t know how he would’ve handled it anyway,” Aaron continues, staring into his pint. He picks the glass up and takes a long sip, and Robert watches his shoulders sag with relief as the alcohol floods his veins. “He’d probably pity me more than he did.” 

“He’d handle it better than me, at least,” Robert mutters, and regrets it immediately after. He hopes Aaron hasn’t heard him.

But he has, judging by the look he shoots him. “You’ve been great, Rob,” Aaron says, voice soft. His hand covers Robert’s for a second, before he pulls it back, face flushing red with shame. “I couldn’t have done this without you.” 

He’s said the words before, but this time it feels more genuine. There’s less misdirected feelings, more honesty. Robert tries not to shine with pride. “You could. I’ve told you before, you’re so strong and you don’t even realise it.” 

He means every word he says. He just wishes Aaron could see it, too.

  


**22nd july 2016**

“I don’t know why this is a problem,” Robert says conversationally. He shrugs his shirt off his shoulders, not bothering to put his pyjama t-shirt on, and then steps out of his jeans. “It’s not like it’s the first time he’s tried to shoot me.”

“ _What_?” Aaron asks, entire body stopped in shock. He stares at Robert, waits for an explanation, but the older man just pulls the duvet back and gets into bed. 

He shrugs, but the duvet moving is the only giveaway. “He tried to shoot me when he found out about me and Katie,” He says. He’s sitting up against the headboard, book already in hand. “But he hit dad instead.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Aaron hisses, sitting cross-legged on the bed. He takes the book from Robert’s hands – Game Of Thrones, what a surprise – and sets it on the table. 

“Because it happened years ago,” Robert says, like it’s obvious. He rolls his eyes but his shoulders are tense, so Aaron knows he’s bothered. “I don’t care.”

“Your own brother has tried to kill you _twice_ , Robert,” Aaron counters, crossing his arms over his chest. “That’s a big deal.”

Robert shudders out a sigh, body sagging. “We’ve never been brothers, though,” He mutters, eyes bottomless and _sad_. “Not really. Not where it counts.” 

“C’mere,” Aaron sighs, settling against the headboard and holding one arm out. Robert concedes easily, relaxes into the embrace like he needs it. He’d never admit it, but he does – he needs the comfort and the reassurance exactly like Aaron does. It’s the one thing they’re similar in. “You don’t deserve it, you know.”

“Don’t I?” Robert asks, voice small and quiet in a way that’s so shockingly different to his personality.

Aaron drops a kiss to the crown of his head, takes a moment to indulge in the feeling of his boyfriend in his arms. “No. You’ve made mistakes, but you’re not a bad person,” He says firmly, makes sure there’s no room for Robert to disagree.

“I love you,” Robert whispers, fingertips sliding up and catching in the neck of Aaron’s t-shirt. He clings on for dear life, like he’s scared Aaron will leave, like he could scare Aaron off. 

He never could, though. “I love you too,” Aaron says, the most natural thing in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @ [aarobron](http://aarobron.tumblr.com/) xo


End file.
